7th
Alec Baldwin Assumes I’m a Coffee Drinker, and I Assume He Thinks I’m a Chill-Ass Dude
Today, Alec Baldwin asked me for some very important advice. What kind of advice could I possibly impart on Alec Baldwin? Some very important advice: where to get a good cup of coffee.
It was around 6pm and I was walking home from work. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, but like a cat, I suddenly sensed a Baldwin in the area. Being near a Baldwin is a difficult sensation to describe, especially when it is of the Alec variety. However, I would say it’s something like hearing a child’s laughter, if that child was Jesus, and his laughter was the Beatles’ White Album.
As I made eye contact with him, he quickly approached me and my friend and asked if we were “very familiar with the area.” We were, in fact, very familiar with the area, merely one block away from our apartment. We swiftly replied, “Holy shit that’s Alec fuckin’ Baldwin.”
He then asked if we knew where he could get a good coffee. “I assume you’re a coffee drinker,” he followed.
Some people turn to a friend for help, some turn to their family, others may turn to God. When Alec Baldwin needs help, he turns and asks me where he can find a good-ass cup of coffee.
But why me? Being assumed as a coffee drinker could mean he thought I had bad breath, yellow teeth, or a nervous irritability. It could also just mean that he thought I was a chill dude who looked like he knew about a sweet place for a good cup of coffee. I assumed the latter.
I told him that right around the corner, in fact, was a great coffee place. I suppose in my excitement, this might have sounded to him like, “Come with me around the corner and I’ll tell you for two hours how your baritone voice is only matched in its full-bodied richness by this awesome coffee that I recommended to you not ten minutes ago,” because he politely thanked me before hailing a cab. Or perhaps he was just in a rush and changed his mind. I’ll assume the latter.
