Giancarlo Fiorentini

Tips for Discretely Determining Whether or Not Your Son Is Gay

       Gayness comes in many shapes and colors, mostly of the bright and fabulous variety. However, some gayness can be less flamboyant and lurk up on your heterosexual son like a nasty flu. By following these non-frosted tips, you’ll easily be able to determine if your Georgey Boy is turning into a Boy George right before your very eyes. And by the way, you’re welcome.

1. Check his music. Studies have found that certain musical artists are more pleasing to the gay ear than others, so your son’s CD collection is a good first place to start your investi-gay-tion (no pun intended). The following should immediately raise a rainbow flag: Michael Jackson, Elton John, anything from the ‘80’s, The Patriot soundtrack, Coldplay (actually, that new song’s pretty sweet), Maya Angelou’s spoken-word album On the Pulse of Morning, and Linkin Park.
2. Check his computer. One of the most revealing and easily found records you can dig up on someone is their Google searches. When searching through your son’s, don’t just look for the most obvious queries (pun intended) like “Good Will Hunting,” “Bill Gates,” or “the Catholic church.”  Keep an eye out for the more subtle clues, such as “Massachusetts marriages,” “gay men seeking gay men,” or “how to cope with a homophobic and overbearing father.” 
3. Check his wardrobe. If he exclusively wears sleeveless shirts and jeans tighter than your wife’s, he could be gay. Worse, if his closet is full of loose-fitting plaid flannel shirts and gray sweat pants, he might be a lesbian. 
   
4. Check his speech. If your son suggests a vacation by saying, “I’m so white I can’t even wear myself after Labor Day!” seek immediate medical attention, because he is absolutely gay. However, if he observes that “Paul Newman must throw the BEST dinner parties” while dressing a salad with Newman’s Own, he isn’t gay, he’s right.
5. Check his Czechs. If he’s hiding any “male prostitutes” from Prague under his bed, be dubious.
6. Monitor his eating habits. It is a well known fact that once gay, a man can no longer digest meat. If your son suddenly becomes a vegetarian, he may not necessarily be gay, but he is definitely a pussy. 
   
7. Strap him to a chair and conduct a polygraph test. Ask him if he is gay. If he answers yes and passes the test, there’s a strong chance he could be gay.